Tragedy in the garden

A simple encounter. Yesterday I had noticed a familiar ginger cat prowling through my garden, looking like she owned the place. I was admiring her hunting skills, as I thought she was chasing mice under the garden shed. After a few minutes of her smelling mama's herbs, or rather leaving her "this is my land, beetch" smell everywhere, Ι saw her dancing around the garden. I rushed to the window and saw this poor little female black bird hobbling down the garden path. A mass launch of my family managed to scare mini-tiger away from the injured bird. The poor bird sat trembling in a little corner, whilst her partner cried out for her above. And he kept crying for a long time. It was heart wrenching. Even my father, who is not the most outwardly emotional or sensitive type, was so concerned for little birdie. She sat trembling a long while...so we left her so we wouldn't give her more of a shock. Then she started exercising around the garden for about an hour, and picking up worms. All the while her male friend crying for her....Alas her little left wing was fallen and she couldn't properly fly. Miss Smug-Tiger-Cat came back for second helpings but thankfully mama chased her all the way down the garden. I'm not too sure what happened to little birdie....But we didn't find any remains in the morning.... But the heart wrenching thing was the male crying for its partner....I guess our perception of life really depends on what position you are in....But it made me realise there is nothing sweeter than love. Love is a lot more than companionship. It is selflessness.

Death is too late....

Edw stin asximi xwra, p einai gemato sapia....den exoume epafi me tous dikous mas. Pethainoun k emeis me ton kaimo. K autoi me ton kaimo tous. Oute na paeis se mia kideia. Na tous peis ena geia s. Einai pleon arga, giati tosa xronia perasane kai esi eisai pleon xenos. Xenos stin patrida s. Xenos k edw. Xenos sta aderfia k tous syggeneis s. Tis eixa vgalei mia fotografia mazi tou giati ton agapouse san na itan gios tis. K m tin zitise opws o pappous, k stis dyo fores den tis esteila. Pote den tis tin esteila. Giati eimai tempela. Alla pws tha tis pw signwmi twra? Twra p pleon o thanatos to exei kanei arga.... Panta na agapas san na einai i teleutaia s mera. Panta. Min kratas to misos. Na mathaineis se kathe s stigmi, kai na zeis, min meneis spiti kai na moirologas. Idika twra p eisai k neos. Pigaine exw k zise, gnwrise atoma p ponane, na gineis kalyteros anthrwpos. Twra p fygane oi istories ap tin EOKA, twra efyge k to kathe ixnos p eixame me to parelthon, me autous p thymane ta athwa xronia.... Einai poly dyskolo na vlepeis andra na klaiei.... Aiwnia s i mnimi.

Broken Promises

Wow my resolution lasted for less than a week! I dont really have an excuse other than the last week I was in Liverpool Street and 2-3 hours commuting really takes it out of you. But I do enjoy my new part time job.
Have been rejected from 4 law firms. And one interview coming up for a firm I really really want to work for. I have two weeks to prepare and I think the group sessions are my real downfall. That and my lack of commercial awareness.

Plan for this week. Will be in work experience, lunch times I will finish 'All you need to know about the City' and in the evenings I will be doing searches for the firm and the cases they have done. And then the second week I can focus on commercial awareness and interview questions.

My diet went downhill since I started working in London, I would go in an hour early just in case I missed my train (Weird!) and that would mean I would pig out for breakfast in cafes and waste money. But I walked home not that that made a difference. Now I only have two weeks remaining until the wedding. I just feel far too 'naked' when writing my diet habits on here. I will write in on my other blog and try and fill this one with more useful things like Current Affairs, Cultural topics and my amateur philosophy.

Also have decided to take a year out and search for a job. I decided this last week but am yet to defer.

SO if anyone knows a solicitor who is looking for a eager PA/secretary/paralegal please give me a shout :D

Ciao xxxxxx

Elia Kazan - America America

A true story about the dream of one young man to bring his family out of the shame and submission of the Turks in Anatolia. The film covers the beginning of the Armenian and Greek genocide of the early 20th century.

The only time I've ever cried as much as I did in this film was in the Pianist.

The ending left me with a bittersweet taste...What had started off as a selfish journey turned into selfless acts being repaid. It was partially a bildungsroman but so much more...
But the kissing of the ground upon arrival in America?

I mean Elia Kazan (real name Ilias Kazantoglou) was very fond of the idea of America being the place of freedom, of opportunity....hence the short glimpse of the statue of liberty from the ship, whilst many are figuratively and literally surrounded by bars.
I am told that this image inspired that truly spine chilling shot in the beginning of the Godfather Part II.

But I've never been able to align the two images of America in my mind. That which I get from the very history of America (16th - 19th Century 'Indian policy reductions' which in simple terms means ethnic cleansing) and this image we get from books like F Scott Fitzgerals in 'The Great Gatsby'. But perhaps that is the very point. America is simply an image. Nothing more. An image is not tangible...It can be seen, in one's mind...But whether the reality is as we visualise it, is separate to that image we think we see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE6n-Rg8N1w

Day Three (and day two)

No no I haven't given up...Just came home rather late last night.

Yesterday I was cleaning the house for a good 6 hours so got a real sweat going buttt was bad as I had a little bit of pitta at night time.

Today have cooked
But I have been bad as I was tempted by two pieces of dark chocolate. But it is better than what I usually do...which would involve consuming the entire box.

...and am going BMF later so am keeping up the good work. Just need to drink a little more water, and sleep a little bit earlier.

Next week will determine whether I can get through the next few weeks.

Hopefully I can. :)

xxxx

Dictators and the Arab Spring (in brief)

Had a rather interesting conversation with a certain indivdual that claimed 'Saddam Hussein was a hero.' I replied with 'I would spit on you but my better judgment tells me not to.' Not quite sure why my inner savage/villager comes out when offended. He also claimed that 'Chemical Ali was a mere illusion' one of course which he claimed was a fiction created by the Americans and the British. Snore. His arguments were unfounded, vague and completely lacking in humanity.

A dictatorship is a dictatorship. I was trying to compare the Arab Spring to dictators of old (hence my Hussein reference). I find it abhorrent that because a select minority have benefited from the lunacy of dictators that they now venerate them!
We only have to look at Gaddafi supporters who agree to the massacre of their own people (Gaddafi has suggested it is Western propaganda that is depicting the illusion of civilian uprisings) to see a general pattern.

Gaddafi has, according to the UN, administered Viagra type drugs to his soldiers for the very purpose of raping women. And this man started off his revolution 4 decades ago in order to BENEFIT his country. Some messed up logic going on.

If your family and your own skin is being saved...you will do anything...as long as you are fed, clothed and paid.

Is this true for everyone?

If you were put in a situation where your country faced mass unemployment, economic sanctions from the rest of the world and were given a job which appeared humane (e.g. working for an oil distillery) would you take it? And then would you support the man which had given you the job?
Would you support said man no matter what?

I believe humanity and human rights, which have come to be venerated in our modern society have always been universally true. I don't agree with theories that 'human rights differ globally'. I think what differs is the relative importance of each right.
eg for some the most salient right is to live and be able to work.
For Western countries it is more likely to surround equality for the disabled, sexual orientation and race.

I think all too often people are blinded by fascism. What people often forget, who have been brainwashed by nationalism, is that we all share 99.9% similar genetic make up.
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galations 3:28)

Fatty Diaries

Day 1....

Please God, let me stick to this one thing and I will believe in myself...maybe...

Today got the media job sorted...and was subsequently rejected by a law firm I had been for an interview for. I had rather arrogantly believed I would get accepted there.

The worst thing wasn't the rejection, it was my good friend calling and asking with a bitter tone whether I had got a training contract.

Money does this to people. Well no we all have a choice in the matter....

Anyhow did an hour and a half stint at the gym plus 4 miles walked :) (in lieu of BMF)

Food equally was fairly good except for being force fed at a Greek house (fooking standard!)

Leon sweet potato falafel
Fresh lemonade
Stuffed vine leaves x6
Two apples
And a bit of cheesecake (chez Greeks :@)

Tomorrow is clean up day.

Training Contracts....Please...Anyone?

So today marks the passing of yet another TC application deadline.

31st July.

My bum is very numb from having spent the last three weeks mainly procrastinating, fretting about not having a job, and also applying for paralegal positions and training contracts.

I have been very very lucky in having applied for only two placements and having been called for an interview (so far).

But I have had to eat humble cake in my complete and utter failure when it comes to numerical tests. Rejection numero uno.



Still have not applied to the SRA, but perhaps that is a blessing in disguise.

Ofcom may be on the cards and other media companies until I find paralegal job/tc....

But I realised I have to majorly fix up in terms of organisation, numeracy, current affairs and general amazingness!

So tomorrow is August 1st and I will be able to start blogging every day about my fitness and feeble attempts to cut sugar and bread out of my life :P

Lots of love

xxxxxx

Eyes That Search for Hope

I like to think this was drawn for me....But it may be wishful thinking.

Mid Year Resolutions (plus one-two months?)

The world of work and law studies

No longer can I cling onto old laureates. Received my law results...and am not really surprised that they were below average as I struggled throughout the year to pull the grades up. But hey a commendation is a commendation....

I shall have to do MUCH better when it comes to the LPC.

And here my indecisive, fear-of-taking-risks-self kicks in...To defer or not to defer.

I don't want to keep abusing bank of Mummy and Daddy especially if I have no chance of getting into the legal sector.

Yet most paralegal jobs ask for the LPC/BPTC...I have found that nepotism can launch you a huge way, even in London. According to one solicitor I was "naive and narrow minded" for thinking nepotism doesn't operate in big Cities all around the world.

Deferring would be sensible as I don't yet know whether a corporate machine or a mid-brow commercial sect will take me on board. I know what modules I would want to do, but they are all mainly "niche" areas.

Anyhow I technically have only two days to decide...

Meanwhile only two days left to bombard law firms with my tc applications of why "I am amazing" and "would be a kick-ass commercial lawyer" and blah and blah. Self prostitution anyone?

Job and moneyyyyyy

Hopefully have a part-time job sorted out. So hooray for that! And thank you to my good friend that sorted that out for me. (See nepotism really does get you everywhere)
Cancelled my overdraft in early July as bank informed me they would be charging me interest as apparently I am no longer "a graduate". I have in fact been a student for the last year but red tape meant I was being sent from department to department in order to confirm this. And was never confirmed. Probably me being too lazy to go into London, get a letter from my college, when there's a branch on my door step!

So money from job will mean travel paid for, my uber expensive waxes, odd haircut, make up, mobile and of course the masses of drab black clothes I wear in an attempt to make myself blur into the background of dull faced commuters.

But job will mean no late Friday nights, or Saturday nights...and no church :(
Sad times. I miss church.

Fashion for a pear shape?

Just read about Ms. Poppy Dinsey and she is such a stunner! And so dedicated and successful at a young age.
Actually sat there oggling at each and every photo of hers...Great figure too. Ms. Dinsey if you are reading this please style me?? I promise to pay you heaps of money as SOON as I become a hot-shot IP and media lawyer. What do you say?

Girls with hour glass figures can literally wear everything...Uber jealous.

Actually I'm more pear at bottom and a little bit banana at top plus extra stone of blubber...probably not the easiest to style.

Anyhow she has inspired me to write on a daily basis.

Not that I believe in star signs but Aries "apparently" are notoriously good at starting things and never finishing them! This is ME all over.
Also true, unfortunately, "they like to supervise and organise more than actually working " and "They are not the tidiest of people and they are impatient with details, except when engaged upon their special subject; then Arians can fiddle around for hours"

Also I know many Geminis ...all v good at hiding their inner selves!

And every good relationship has been with a Sagittarius (all three bfs in fact!)

Nevertheless I started to say "I do not believe in star signs" and would quite like to prove to myself (and perhaps my non-existent readership) that I CAN see something through that does not involve my "academic" career.

Goals...Start simple

1. Write every day for 30 days on this blog. It needn't be lengthy. Two lines a day will do.
2. Exercise for friend's wedding...I have to wear a sari! Eeek - more likely to look like a jewelled whale. Again 30 days.
3. Avoid avoid avoid Daily Mail gossip. I swear a book commits suicide and a thousand brain cells die every day that I read this trash. I like looking at pretty pictures. I am an addict. And it goes against EVERYTHING I believe in.
But pretty pictures will not get me a job. Or a training contract.
Read the BBC/FT/Economist on the regs! Hopefully new job will be a great advantage to me.
4. Clean out my closet!
Need help from friends for this one...Only they can be objective.
5. Once I have money - get hair cut! Hair is feeling so drab and lifeless at the mo.
6. Do something good for the community. Helping the aged has always been my dream but never had a chance to do it.
Also would like to spend Christmas with the homeless :)
Mummy and I will do this, this year (I hope!)
7. GET A TRAINING CONTRACT!!!!
8. Go out once a month, it is healthy!
9. Play my bling bling bouzouki more :P and my forgotten clarinet.

Any advice party peoples?

Facebook and Internet addiction

Deactivated Facebook abut 4 months ago now. I very nearly re-activated it the other day. But then I thought of all the hideous picture I have on there. And how I would spend hours looking at my pretty and successful friends, and feel sorry for myself.
I think self-pity is revolting on others and I think as much when I do it. So have removed myself until I become successful at at least one of two of my goals.
The main two: 1)lose weight and 2) gain a training contract....
Maybe 3) get a bf....will eventually come ....someday.

:)

Alone

Each time he had a different face
A different excuse
Yet here, once again, she collects the scars.
Countless times she has rummaged in the red
And cream pools
But never did she find it.

In alleways, in dark hotels, in car-seats
She scavenged with dirty nails
But each time she was blinded by darkness.

The first time left a gaping hole.
Tears were her respite.
Curses her daily nourishment.
Every person an enemy.
An emptiness which took with it breath and life in itself.

It never did come.

Five years passed.

From the carcasses she supped.
Determined to endure without it
Her tear ducts a drought.
Birds and knells silenced.

Her pen had run dry long ago
Yet
One day like any other day
Barely visible tongues
Lit up
Her gaunt body.

Now she is thankful
for each different face her pilgrimage,
her shrine.
Each departure inevitable, a different excuse.
Her body still a shadow.
Every breathing foreign word her curse.
People her enemy.

But her pen flows.

Shame

My second post I hope to dedicate to the concept of Shame.... and exploring rather than debating the notions of this feeling. Can I call it a feeling?


I began to think of SHAME, mainly because of two separate conversations I had in the last week with some friends as well as Goggler's thought provoking posts and the article she posted about SATC. Moreover Shame, is one of my favourite Rushdie books, that I've read about 3 times justin the last academic year :$


What exactly is Shame?? I cannot provide an OED definition as my Athens username and password has now expired, please if you are still a student, can you do a search for me on http://dictionary.oed.com! It should come up with several definitions...I do have some web definitions here: shame  (shm)

n.

1.

a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?

2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.

4. A great disappointment.

tr.v. shamed, sham·ing, shames

1. To cause to feel shame; put to shame.

2. To bring dishonor or disgrace on.

3. To disgrace by surpassing.

4. To force by making ashamed: He was shamed into making an apology.

Source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/shame

When I think of shame I think of that burning feeling of guilt which manifests itself as bright red cheeks and makes your stomach do somersaults because you know you have done something bad. Or know that you are going to get in trouble for doing something bad (often I find my conscience only kicks in when I'm about to get found out! Perhaps this is why Rushdie writes: "Shame is like everything else; live with it for long enough and it becomes part of the furniture.")
Rushdie depicted Shame most memorably in the character of Sufiya Zinobia who would burn bright red from shame for all the other characters who lacked shame, were shameless:
"Between shame and shamelessness lies the axis upon which we turn; meteorological conditions at both these poles are of the most extreme, ferocious type. Shamelessness, shame: the roots of violence."

Let's be specific. Rushdie when writing Shame not only referred to Pakistan and its history, but the microcosm of violence in households, towards familieis, towards women, but also towards sexuality. And it is the latter I am concerned with.

Can any good come of shame? Is there an innately built sense of shame or is it all a case of culture? Again I quote Rushdie, who believes shame has no counterpart in the English language and feels he has to speak it in his cultural voice:
"This word: shame. No, I must write it in its original form, not in this peculiar language tainted by wrong concepts and the accumulated detritus of its owners' unrepented past, this Angrezi in which I am forced to write and so for ever alter what is written... "Sharam, that's the word. For which this paltry 'shame' is a whole inadequate translation. Three letters, shin rè mìm (written, naturally, from right to left); plus zabar accents indicating the short vowel sounds. A short word, but one containing encyclopaedias of nuance. It is not only shame that his mothers forbade Omar Khayyam to feel, but also embarrassment, discomfiture, decency, modesty, shyness, the sense of having an ordained place in the world and other dialects of emotion for which English has no counterparts."

I can't help but notice SHARAM has the word HARAM in it....meaning forbidden, and unlawful within Islam. Could it be that to do things which are HARAM perpetuates shame, sharam?
Clearly, in a diverse, polytheistic and atheist society different people have different definitions of shame. With regards specifically to sexuality, can a hippy attitude to sex (free love for all) ever perpetuate shame? Is there any purpose to shame?


One of the two conversations I recently had with a good friend, revealed to me my shortcomings. The friend stated an Arabic proverb to me which loosely translated as 'that which happens between two people behind closed doors, should stay in that room with them.' That is to say, confessionals and gossip columns and girly talk which leaves very little to the imagination (which I openly admit I engage in and initiate) is shameless, in the eyes of my friend. To have no shame, is equatable to being a loose woman, in my friend's opinion. Talk about your partner(s) and what you did/do with your partner(s) means you have lost the ability to filter out information and images that are in your brain and enter into everyday table conversation..... Perhaps?


Once again, I turn to Rushdie to give the gift of language to my thoughts, from his 'East,West' short stories he cannot choose between his Eastern cultural influences and his Western 'education' :  

"But I, too, have ropes around my neck, I have them to this day, pulling me this way and that, East and West the nooses tightening, commanding, choose, choose.

I buck, I snort, I whinny, I rear, I kick. Ropes, I do not choose between you, Lassoes, lariats, I choose neither of you, and both. Do you hear? I refuse to choose. "

In a similar vein, I feel the tug of my Orthodox upbringing agreeing with the Arabic proverb....Yet, surely to be quiet and to not educate your friends, and children about the joys of the bedroom is to be a prude? LOL!

To not want to educate women? It must therefore be that SHAME (with referene to sex) is simply a cultural construct seeking to oppress women? NO! Or is it YES?!

When I was about 12 years old, I read a book called 'Chandra' about an Indian girl and her arranged marriage at the age of 11 to a boy of 16. Her husband dies before they have a chance to consummate the marriage and she is slandered as a devil girl by her inlaws, and the book follows the plight of the girl and the violent beatings she took before she could escape to freedom. For the first time that I can remember, I felt indignation burn inside me for this fictional character. I felt her beatings burn on my skin, and I felt that she should have been stronger, she should have felt NO SHAME. She only felt shame, because she believed she was a devil and had caused her husband's death too! Hence shame cannot be something innate, it must be a construct of culture?

Shame does not have a truth factor to it, shame is most often felt by those who have done no wrong. Most often rape victims, stay silent because they feel shame encompassing their whole body and do not wish to taint their good name, or their families'.....This type of shame is one which is not inflicted on oneself but breeds dishonour and disgrace for others or for oneself. It is this type of shame which is need of education and modification.

But the shame which one brings upon oneself....Can we really talk of shame in an epoch of decadence? The cultural stereotypes that films like SATC purport suggest that the West is free, but the East is restricted, oppressed. Yet when the East looks on the West they see a shameless people, advocating immoral behaviour.....the West see an unecessarily shame filled location. However the world is not so black and white.....But the LAW of each respective country perhaps is more binary....thus what happens when the shameless enter into a country where shame abounds? Like the sex trials of Vince Acors who had sex on a beach in Dubai, and broke the laws of "public indecency and having unmarried sex." I guess this is what SATC was directly alluding to. 

The hypocrisy associated with the UAE however is not unique to the Eastern world....And by the hypocrisy I mean the immense sex traffic that occurs in Dubai 'the middle Eastern flesh capital' but perhaps all over the world. As one writer has written:  Dubai is "a nation that is built upon the very dichotomy that is prostitution: necessary but unwanted; illegal but desired!" (but this is not a new attitude to prostitution, after all even Augustine of Hippo writing in 4th c AD stated that prostitution is necessary in a society, as there will be men that will always will request it)

http://sexual-abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/prostitution_in_dubai

My theory is that shame and shamelessness is not something we can geographically pinpoint and slander as emancipation/education and/or illiteracy. The hypocrisy behind shame and shamelessness is something which is integral to each individual, and the battle of ropes between East and West, that Rushdie talks of ....is simply the internal moral battle which occurs on a daily basis....

Now what of men, can men feel shame? Is it not a British ideal that ‘a gentleman will never kiss and tell’ about his adventures with ms anonymous lady the night before? Or is that a unisex trope for all Brits? Or is it something that is universal for all men? They simply don’t diverge into details, where as ladies are more than comfortable to tell their friends minute details (NO PUN intended?)

My Very First Attempt at Writing For the WORLD WIDE WEB! Barthes, Joyce, Fat Parrots, Kermode and Trashy Novels

A scary thought, but potentially more of a marketing slogan than actually containing any 'truth'...(Let me briefly clarify, that I do not mean truth in the sense of it having a tangible reality - before any fellow bloggers, or future scientists/mathematicians wish to bite my 'virtual' head off...I simply wish to be rather cynical about any following I will have!) Nevertheless the POTENTIAL to target a large audience is quite exciting!

Before I commence (haven't you already?) I have no false illusions of becoming a published writer/poet/journalist so if any of my writing seems ...lackadaisical.....for want of a better word, it is because I am often, off with the fairies. I am most definitely not a perfectionist, and as much as I would love to pretend that I simply write as Woolf or Joyce did, by listening to the ever fluctuating thoughts of the mind, I cannot taint their names in such a way! Nevertheless, I digress...Enough of my self criticism!

Now to discuss writing itself - writing about writing.....For any fellow literature students, how many times can our lecturers suggest that Shakespeare et.al was in fact writng about the art of poetry itself? Although it is fascinating and I'm sure writers themselves do it all the time.....Just take a look at any of Joyce's work, Aristotle, or even Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray. I had a very interesting discussion with an ex of mine about Dorian Gray, although I am ashamed to say I never had in fact read any Wilde at the time, I did try to discuss with him (the ex - a scientifically inclined mind with a strong musical background) how often nature imitates art rather than vice versa...Can anybody give any examples? I think he beat me during that debate, although it kept his brain ticking!

So to actually put forward a point, instead of just posing questions...I wish to write in order to learn. Not about myself, but to pose questions and perhaps receive theories, arguments, discussions. If I have one goal in life it is to continually probe and question - WHY? I was, as many young teenagers, fairly stubborn and narrow minded growing up and am trying to make up for it now....If anybody can challenge or rather teach me new things, suggest new reading, explain theories to me...than you are more than welcome to this virtual friendship group :P

Now, if a writer I can call myself, it would look rather unprofessional to ask my readers what they would like to hear about. But as Barthes would have us believe 'the death of the author is the birth of the reader.' That is to say, I can do what I like with my writing as can you....you who read it, some may psychoanalyse my character through my writing, some may evade disrupting the writer's character and focus on the gaps, the omissions (yes, I am plagiarising Barthes and Lacan again!)
For those of you already familiar with Barthes, I think it is important to not forget why Barthes wrote 'Death of the Author' :

"The 1960s also saw a famous polemic, provoked by the Sorbonne professor Raymond Picard's attack on Barthes's idiosyncratic Sur Racine (1963). In Nouvelle critique ou nouvelle imposture (1965), Picard took Barthes to task for irresponsible neglect of basic standards of scholarship [see Literary History, 2]. Barthes riposted vigorously in Critique et vérité (1966), distinguishing criticism from science."

Criticism from science - what does that mean to you?

Btw do YOU find it rather demeaning or patronising when I use the second person form?

Criticism from science to me, is linked in with the idea of 'truth' that I was referring to previously. We can't really talk of truths in the same way that we would in science, but that is to state the bleeding obvious. I think if all potential students of literature at higher education just thought of 'criticism from science' before entering into a degree, there would definitely be fewer tears upon the sixth attempt of reading say Ulysses, or any modernist literature! And it would open up many eyes to the nature of CRITICISM rather than spoon feeding at schools.

This is a topic which I am sure to indignantly refer to in future blogs, and which I went as far as criticising my own A Level English teacher to his face three years later, having successfully finished my degree! (Although I was his favourite pupil!) A level study really does not prepare people for university, at least at state and grammar schools.... I still to this day, believe I am a very good parrot learner....especially when I am a spoon fed parrot learner, I grow immensely fat and my belly shines out with A* and A grades! Yet when the spoon is pulled out I shed immediate pounds, and grow gaunt and I have to teach myself to be self-critical. But how self critical I was being, rather than just being self critical for the sake of being critical, because lecturers suggested we should be self critical, remains to be seen post graduation...

I'm sure that last sentence remains unecessarily complicated, but as above, I'm really quite the opposite of a perfectionist! And very very rarely will go over my work...yes I am lazy. Please help.

Now, what have I been trying to say for the last hour, but have been distracted by my own thoughts...? Is anybody still there?
Ahhhh yes.....Now in spite of Barthes' rant about readers deciding what the author is talking about....and DESPITE being a raving feminist (well I prefer the term 'queer'....Oh, yes, darrrrling, didn't you know, the word is all the rave! Coming soon to a university near you :P) ...I have to categorise topics between female/male.
This is DEFINITELY NOT to say that all women talk about....oh I don't know....say dating and how men are the biggest pricks (ARE NOT HAVE), sex, makeup, shopping, and clothes, oh and shaving, waxing, electrolysis, laser/IPL, manicures, extensions etc! Sex in the City, and Twilight and OMG 'I think I just peed my pants' and sooooooooo many superlatives and elongated vowel sounds!
Yes, I am one of these unfortunate chicks that you probably want to slap with a wet fish and command her brain cells to start multiplying coz the solo one is growing insanely lonely! I am proud to say I have never watched either Sex in the City movies, but yes I do have two facebook albums dedicated to it...and NO I do not have a vampire fetish either! But I can admit that the lazy, girly part of me often dominates. And I wish to apologise, because I'm sure most blogs will be filled with my dating angst, and horror stories of men with girlfriends and wives that try to seduce me.....Because I know it fascinates me, it is one of my vices, trashy writing keeps me hooked! So do trashy TV shows!

Men, I wish to make clear do NOT escape the brush of trash-iness! As Mark Kermode always criticises films for having the 'phwoooarrr' factor (equating to trash), men's magazines also include superficial crap on how to look good at the gym, how to seduce several girls at once, football, beer, etc! BUUTTTT perhaps I am meeting the wrong girls, mooosttt conversations, challenging conversations I have are with men....because they dig deep on a regular basis.....Or do they?
Or am I just one of those chics, that rather naively asks herself 'Why do all girls hate me?' whilst bitching to her girl associates about the other girl that walked out with a layer of fuzz around her legs, and simultaneously believes all her guy 'friends' are just that ......'just friends?'

Errrrm yer right!

And so my writing returns to trash :P But I'm going to retain it, and let you people make of it what you will. So what's the verdict people.... Are women incapable of discussing the great philosophers over coffee (N.B. coffee and NO illegal substances mentioned) because they WANT to rather than they HAVE to? I would never suggest women are dumb, as I have met some of the most intelligent girls at university....neither do I wish to suggest just because you understand philosophy that makes you 'intelligent'.....
My question is about people that think profoundly and make it their task in life to challenge and to do so....Or is this just a trait of mine....Is it because I am lazy and unwilling to change, that I cling to this false belief that what I am doing, by always interrogating, is in fact intelligent and will serve me well in finding a career path and a future partner?!
Or do men do this on a regular basis but remain quiet and discreet about it? How often do men indulge in trashy reads? Are they fascinated by how the female mind works when it comes to dating? Or have they met enough girls that frequent clubs every weekend, in a bid to find their future hubby, only to ask why men just use and abuse them?

So no conclusion for now, just awaiting comments from you all...... :)
Love, peace and happiness to youuuuuuu beautiful people xxxxxxxxxxx